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The Hobbit: The Tolkien Edit a.k.a. And She Never Forgave, And She Never Forgot!

Mar. 9th, 2015 | 01:45 pm

So today, on International Women's Day I saw a movie that practically cut the existence of all the female characters of a movie because they weren't book canon~

This Tolkien Edit was a decent attempt to edit the whole of The Hobbit trilogy in one movie in order to make it more Book Canon compliant, and in most cases, it sorta works.

For those who want to know the main parts cut, you can visit the author's post (and place to download it) HERE.

That said, there are some things I did not like about the movie and I will express it here, with the force of CAPSLOCK. Because I was that upset. The main issues are three and in order of (dis)appearance are:

OMG WHERE THE HELL IS THE "BLUNT THE KNIVES" PART! YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL IT IS NOT CANON BECAUSE THE FUCKING SONG IS IN THE FUCKING BOOK. IN FACT, I HAVE THE ERU-DAMNED BOOK RIGHT NOW WITH ME AND THERE'S THE SONG! IT'S THE ONLY FREAKING SONG THEY CUT BECAUSE "FAR OVER THE MISTY MOUNTAINS COLD" AND EVEN THE DAMN SONG THE GREAT TROLL SINGS IS THERE! AND EVERYONE WHO DAMN WELL KNOWS ME KNOWS I LOVE THAT SONG. THAT'S WHERE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DWARVES AND IN DWALIN'S WORDS "I WON'T FORGET THIS" *POINTS AND SHAKES FISTS* WELL FUCK YOU TOO, EDITOR!

OMG HOW DARE YOU TAKE OUT THE MITHRIL SHIRT SCENE! MY SHIPPING FANGIRL HEART ASIDE, THIS IS A FREAKING IMPORTANT MOMENT IN THE MOVIE! IT ESTABLISHES THORIN'S BOND WITH BILBO AND HOW HE EVEN SUSPECTS HIS KIN OF BETRAYAL BUT NEVER BILBO! THE CUT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE BECAUSE AFTERWARDS DURING THE ARKENSTONE DEBACLE BILBO EXPLAINS ONE OF THE REASONS HE DIDN'T GIVE THE GEM TO THORIN WAS BECAUSE DUDE WAS SO PARANOID HE WAS SUSPECTING HIS KIN! ALSO, EVEN IF THE MITHRIL SHIRT SCENE WASN'T AS INTENSE IN THE BOOK, THE FACT THAT THORIN GIVES BILBO THE FREAKING THING IS DAMN BOOK CANON! IT WAS THAT KINGLY GIFT THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN THE SHIRE WHICH WAS THEN PASSED ON TO FRODO! AND IT DOESN'T EVEN APPEAR IN THE MOVIE! AS MUCH AS I LOVED THE ACORN SCENE, IT WOULD HAVE MADE A BIT (JUST A BIT) MORE SENSE TO CUT THAT ONE SINCE IT WASN'T CANON (BUT WAS ALSO IMPORTANT IN ORDER TO SHOW THAT THORIN WAS STILL THORIN UNDER THE DRAGON SICKNESS).

OK THIS SCENE IS NOT BOOK CANON BUT OMG IT WAS SO IMPORTANT AND BEAUTIFULLY ACTED!!! IT SHOWED THORIN'S LOWEST POINT OF HIS DRAGON SICKNESS THAT HE EVEN TURNS AGAINST A DEAR AND LONG TIME FRIEND! AND POOR DWALIN KNOWS IT TOO AND HIS HEARTBROKEN FACE IS TOO MUCH! RICHARD ARMITAGE AND GRAHAM MACTAVISH WERE ACTING THE HELL OUT OF THAT SCENE! HOW DARE YOU CUT THE MOMENT WHERE THEY GET TO SHINE TOGETHER! ARGH!!!!

Other minor moments that were cut off that pissed me off for sorta personal reasons were:

- ANYTHING INVOLVING MY DEAR BOFUR! MY DWARF BAE ALREADY HAS A SMALL SCREEN TIME AS IT IS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT (1) HIS SMALL DIALOGUE WITH THE OTHER DWARVES THAT STAYED IN LAKE TOWN AND (2) THE PART WHERE THEY REUNITED WITH THE DWARVES IN EREBOR AND HUG IT OUT AND STUFF!

- WHERE IS THE DAMN EAGLE RESCUE FROM THE TREES! THAT ONE IS ALSO FREAKING BOOK CANON! HOW COME BILBO SAYS "THE EAGLES ARE COMING" OR WHATEVER BY THE END OF THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES INSTEAD OF SHITTING HIMSELF AT THE SHIT OF GIANT-ASS EAGLES FLYING DOWN TO BATTLE IF HE HASN'T SEEN A ERU-DAMNED GIANT-ASS EAGLE BEFORE AND DOESN'T KNOW IF THEY ARE FRIEND OR FOE! INSTEAD WE HAVE THE COMPANY RUNNING FROM THE FREAKING EAST SIDE OF THE MISTY MOUNTAINS TO BEORN'S HALL! THEY CAN'T DO THAT! NOT EVEN GIMLI, ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS RAN FOR THAT LONG WITH A POOR HOBBIT WITH THEM! CAN HOBBITS EVEN RUN FOR DAYS?!?! BESIDES DIDN'T GIMLI SAY DWARVES ARE BETTER SPRINTERS THAN CROSS-CROUNTY RUNNERS! WE SAW PROOF OF THAT WITH DEAR BOMBUR OUTRUNNING EVERYONE IN ONE MIGHTY SPRINT! AND WE ALSO SEE PROOF IN THAT IN THE HOBBIT MOVIES BECAUSE WHILE THE DWARVES RUN, THEY SURE AS FUCK DON'T RUN FOR LONG DISTANCES OR LOTS OF TIME!

- I KNOW THE BARREL-RIDE AND THE "BARD PURCHASES FISH" WAS CUT OFF TO TIGHTEN THINGS UP BUT OMG NOW IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HOW KILI GOT HURT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO STAY IN LAKE TOWN AND WHERE DID THOSE FISH COME FROM WHEN THEY ARRIVED IN LAKE TOWN!

Finally, WHY THE HELL THERE IS STILL SO MUCH ALFRID FUCKING LICKSPITTLE IN THE ERU-DAMNED MOVIE! IF YOU CAN MAKE TAURIEL PRACTICALLY DISAPPEAR AND LEGOLAS HAVE LIKE ONE SCENE (AND NOW WE DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL THORIN GOT BACK HIS SWORD ORCRIST TO FIGHT AZOG WITH), YOU CAN CERTAINLY CAN MAKE THAT SNIVELING LITTLE ASSHAT BE AWAY FROM MY SIGHT SOME MORE!!!!

But everything has a silver linning and the one I have in this "Tolkien Edit" is that the editor was so concentrated in making Tauriel and Legolas disappear that we get neither Fili's nor Kili's death scenes. And since nobody mentions they are dead, now I can go on believing they are alive.

So King Thorin is dead, Long Live King Fili!

Also, maybe Kili and Tauriel can meet in diplomatic excursions afterwards and fall in love anyway and live happily every after, and since Fili will probably marry a dwarf lady nobody will mind "the spare" having it on with an she-elf and having Princess Conchita Wurst of Erebor.

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Today is my Birthday!

Jul. 18th, 2014 | 10:40 am
location: at home
mood: happyhappy

And Google wished me HB!



And here's my cake!

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Merry Xmas from all my fandoms! :D

Dec. 24th, 2013 | 10:12 pm
location: at home
mood: christmassy

Here's one from Doctor Puppet!



The Sherlock mini-episode:



A Xmas add I share for a second of Tom Hiddleston!



And Merry Xmas in Español from the The Hobbit facebook page... in Spanish xD

Tags:

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Felices Fiestas Patrias!

Jul. 28th, 2013 | 11:00 am

google-doodle

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"Man of Steel" review

Jun. 13th, 2013 | 02:06 pm
location: at home
mood: geekygeeky
music: Some crappy ballad

Man of Steel is a very good origin story. Not great, but very good indeed.

It starts with Superman being born. Of course he was Kal-El back then. He is born as the incompetence of the leaders of Krypton has let it to its imminent destruction and in the middle of General Zod’s coup d’état. His parents spirit him away on a spaceship towards Earth with the hope that he can create a new Krypton and also help humankind better itself. Suddenly we have an adult Kal-El, or rather Clark Kent, doing good deeds and trying to keep a low profile. But now General Zod is here and plans to use Kal-El to create a new Krypton here on Earth by totally eradicating the humans. Our hero is not OK with that.

Henry Cavill did an adequate job as Superman. He certainly looked the part and, despite what some promo pictures showed, he looked kind-faced most of the time. Here we are shown Clark Kent as a good man, who struggles to control himself when confronted with the assholes of the world. But he manages even if he’s not above some non-bodily harmful revenge. He acted so very human and that was awesome. That’s all thanks to the Kents. Costner and Lane were excellent as Clark Kent’s parents, specially Costner talking to kid Clark about how he’s meant for greater things so he has to protect his secret until he’s ready. By the way, all of Clark’s backstory growing up is told in flashbacks, which was well done and interesting.

(READ MORE)

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Young Avengers #1-5 review

Jun. 8th, 2013 | 05:54 pm
location: at home
mood: geekygeeky
music: Be my baby

In 2012, Marvel Comics gave us Marvel NOW!, a relaunch of several ongoing comic books. That means several comics restarted with a #1 issue. Amongst them was Young Avengers.

The story starts with Hawkeye, but not the Avenger; this Hawkeye is a teenage girl named Kate Bishop. Anyway, this Hawkeye wakes up on a spaceship after a one-night stand with a beautiful alien boy and decides she won’t feel guilty about it. Said beautiful alien boy is Noh-Varr, also a superhero, a hedonist and a bit of an Earth fanboy. And then Skrulls attack and Hawkeye is having the time of her life and recommends everyone should try being a superhero.

That’s a cool intro as any for a comicbook. But the story is not about them. Or rather not only about them. In New York, Hulking and Wiccan (or Teddy and Billy for friends) are having a discussion after Billy discovers Teddy hasn’t stopped heroing as they promised. Teddy points out, after a heart-wrenching confession that he fell in love with a superhero. Billy realizes he cannot change Teddy’s (or his own) nature and promises he will be the best boyfriend ever, and they kiss. Yes, they are freaking cute. And then Billy does something he shouldn’t have.

On a nearby diner, Kid Loki realizes there’s a disturbance in the (magical) force and goes stop what Billy is up to. Miss America Chavez appears to stop Kid Loki instead, because she trusts him as far as she can throw him. Which is a terrible expression in this case, because Miss America Chavez is flying superstrong interdimensional Latina. In the brief fight that ensues, Billy manages to finish his spell… and Teddy’s dead mother is here. Billy was browsing dimensions until he found her just seconds she’s about to die to bring her back to Teddy. There’s hugging and happiness… until it turns out this mother is not Teddy’s mother but actually an interdimensional parasite that wants Billy’s power.

And to aid itself, it controls parents’ minds, and brings dead parents back to life and also controls their minds. Yep, that’s something else. (READ MORE)

Part of the 2013 LGBT Blogathon.

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"Star Trek Into Darkness" review

May. 9th, 2013 | 10:22 am
location: at home
mood: geekygeeky
music: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

So I watched Star Trek Into Darkness, and this my review:

Star Trek Into Darkness is not as entirely original as its predecessor was, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less entertaining.

The movie starts right with some action, just like first one, even if it’s not that relevant to the main plot. It does show what the crew is doing now and show us exactly who they are and what motivates them. After that, we see villain John Harrison (Cumberbatch) for the first time, and his subsequent attacks on Starfleet become a personal matter to Kirk (Pine) et al. This will mean a persecutions, a reveal after reveal and throwbacks to a classic and beloved Star Trek movie.

Man, J.J. Abrams and the writers must be quite thick skinned because hardcore trekkies are going to flay them. Especially after that ending that felt a bit of a cop out. That said, the movie is so very enjoyable and action-packed. It barely slows downs, and when it does the actors can usually pull it through.

(READ MORE)

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"Iron Man 3" review

Apr. 26th, 2013 | 05:51 pm
location: at home
mood: geekygeeky
music: Blue (Da Ba Dee)

So I watched Iron Man 3, and this my review:

I don’t care what comic-book purists say, Iron Man 3 is a great cinematic experience.

Everything is not fine for Tony Stark (Stark) after the events of The Avengers. Besides the anxiety attacks, misdeeds from his past have come back to bite him in the ass. And when his friend and security chief Happy Hogan (Favreau) ends up pretty bad after an attack, Tony decides to threaten the guy responsible: The Mandarin (Kingsley), a didactic terrorist who likes to be evil on screen. That doesn’t turn out too good, but he’s Tony Stark and he’s a resilient fellow.

Also, Iron Man 3 starts with a voice over and it happens during Christmas time. That’s so Shane Black.

Black has definitely proved once more to be a great filmmaker and scriptwriter, giving fresh air to the franchise after not-that-good Iron Man 2. (READ MORE)

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Feeling all nostalgic about The Hobbit cartoon for some reason

Dec. 27th, 2012 | 02:50 pm



The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.
The chances, the changes are all yours to make.
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.
The greatest adventure is there if you're bold.
Let go of the moment that life makes you hold.
To measure the meaning can make you delay;
It's time you stop thinkin' and wasting the day.
The man who's a dreamer and never takes leave
Who thinks of a world that is just make-believe
Will never know passion, will never know pain.
Who sits by the window will one day see rain.
The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.
The chances, the changes are all yours to make.
The mold of your life is in your hands to break.
The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.

Oh Bilbo, you brave little hobbit ;A;Collapse )

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"The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey" review

Dec. 13th, 2012 | 01:37 pm
mood: geekygeeky
music: Taking the hobbits to Isengard

So I watched The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and this my review:

It’s always nice to return to places you love, and that was what The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey meant to me, a return to the beloved Middle Earth. That’s why I didn’t care they turned this one book into a trilogy, because hey more Middle Earth for me. It’s been more than 10 years since I last saw such places as The Shire or Rivendell, and they are as gorgeous as ever, perhaps even more so.

Because whatever some whiners say, the 48 HFR format made everythingprettier. Ok, it looks like watching a giant blu-ray and some movements are sometimes too fast, but everything pops up and makes the 3D look even better.

But beautiful production aside, it was the characters that made the story. Freeman did a good job as a young Bilbo, but quite different to Holm’s in Lord of the Rings. He had quite a temper, and a bit of a snarker. It was such a delight to watch, because it was frankly adorable. Then again, I find all Hobbits adorable. Even the Sackville-Bagginses. (READ MORE)

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